Guilty as Charged

Is there no end to the guilt I will feel as a mother?

When Ella was first born, I felt guilty if I even thought about leaving her for a second. I have felt guilty for not feeding her enough "fun" food, and I have felt guilty for not feeding her enough healthy food. I feel guilty when we stay in the house all day and she doesn't get a drop of fresh air. But I also feel guilty when we spend the whole day out of the house and she misses out on her downtime. It's a little schizophrenic, actually.

Recently I have been feeling guilty because Ella is not in daycare. You might think I am crazy, and you will definitely think I am crazy if you know me in real life. I have spent the last 18 months doing anything I can to avoid putting Ella in daycare. It's just that lately, my kid is obsessed with other kids. She eyes them up at the doctor's office and gestures until they make eye contact. She cranes her neck to catch a glimpse of after-school kids using the crosswalk. I feel like I am depriving a potential social butterfly of her social life by keeping her home with me all day long. Perhaps daycare would be good for her?

(Play dates could alleviate this guilt, but one needs friends in order to have play dates, and I don't many of those around here, especially ones with kids. And in this sometimes claustrophobic town in which we live, there is no fun place like Gymboree. And we tried the library once, but Ella was a terror and I'm too embarrassed to go back there just yet.)



In a somewhat related vein, last night we were waiting in a very long line at the grocery store. Behind us was a dad and a little boy in a Steelers beanie. Ella got really excited when she saw the little boy, but he totally ignored her and her antics. Trying to make a connection with him, she eagerly put on her own hat and laughed, like, "See! We are alike with our hats! Let's be friends and laugh together!" The little boy finally responded, and not a second later the Dad steered their cart away to a longer line next to us. Bizarre, no? What is his beef, I wondered? When Chad joined us in the line, I told him what had transpired. I was defensive. I was maybe even a little bit pissed. Maybe I was being paranoid, but why would someone move to a longer line in a crowded grocery store?